mmcjawa (mmcjawa) wrote,

  • Mood:
Well...mi padre is out of the hospital and at home. Took freakin' forever to get him checked out, and then run into meijers to get his meds. AGGRAVATING as well. Dad...when I advise you that hey, maybe buying a can of alfredo sauce (which is IIRC loaded with fat) might not be the best thing after heart surgery, yelling at me and claiming "but it tastes good!" is not a valid rejoiner. And buying York Peppermint patties, xmas cookies, and meijer frozen burritos is also probably not the ideal response to heart surgery recovery. I would like you to at least ATTEMPT to live to 65.

Yesterday was oddly a fairly emotional day for me, and between waiting for the events of today to commence, and yesterdays events, I didn't get much sleep last night. It's funny...I think some of my best most journal worthy thoughts occur late at night, when I am away from the computer.

Last night I thought about love for instance.

Now there are many kinds of love:

There is the love one has towards parents, which is mixed in equal measure with annoyance and exasperation in equal measures often. But still, love

There is the "love" one has towards friends, which is composed of camadrie and respect.

And then there is the love one has towards a significant, or hope to be significant, other. This might be a wife, girlfriend, lover, close friend, whatever.

This is a very complex emotion. There are many ways one can love someone else.

Looking back, I can honestly say there are probably two people I have loved in the above way. And I still, with all my heart, care for those people.

Recently I was told that one of those two people, well, isn't doing that good. There are concerns that she is depressed, that her smile, capable of lighting up a room, just doesn't happen all too often. This just made me profoundly sad.

I care for this person, would be a knight in shining armor and take a bullet for her if needed, but this isn't a action movie, there is nothing I can do but stand around, and try to pull a smile out, maybe take her mind off things if only for a few hours. I can't make her decisions, I can't force her to a decision on things she won't even talk about with me.

Ultimately all I want is happiness for her. That happiness for her doesn't include me in the picture in the way I would have desired long ago. But I am ok with that. If the person I am talking about happens upon this journal entry, and realizes it is her, please, just do one favor for me.

Stop and look at your life, and the people you include in it. Is this what you want for yourself 20 years down the line? Ultimately, there comes a time when you need to stop putting other people's lives first, and concentrate on your own.
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